Have you ever felt like you can’t breathe? Like your lungs were fill with everything but oxygen, but when you struggle and silently scream for an inhaler you remember you are not asthmatic, that it’s just your heart reminding you how incomplete you’re. Fortunately you quickly realize that you’re among friends so you wear a smile to avoid the questions and been called weird. Then the feeling slowly fades, buried beneath forced laugher and successive spoons of ice cream, then you’re OK?
Finally you’re home and you close your eyes to sleep, then it comes again. But now it comes so hard knocking you out, putting you in a trance. It got you reminiscing not about things you have but things you’ve lost; Your first breakup, how friends suddenly became people you used to know, how times with smile slowly became just memories, memories even you find hard to believe.
And finally you get the courage to talk about it, but everybody just calls it depression. “You are simply depressed, its a phase it would pass”. Some even prescribe pills but you know there is more to it. You know the solution isn’t at the bottom of a liquor bottle either but you still dive into it. Desperately trying to drown out the voices. But the effect doesn’t last long, only creating a bigger hole and a chance for the devil to add an addiction.
So you try getting a lover, somebody to share the burden with. But you truly know that you don’t need someone to break your heart but someone to give your heart a break. So you ignore love and simply tag it as ‘the chaos within civilized madness’. Then you ask yourself “what do I do next?” What do you do when smile leaves, when happiness fades. When death feels more comforting, when your heart aches for something it has never felt. What do you do when you can’t breathe?