Blind the Smile

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Have you ever felt like you can’t breathe? Like your lungs were fill with everything but oxygen, but when you struggle and silently scream for an inhaler you remember you are not asthmatic, that it’s just your heart reminding you how incomplete you’re. Fortunately you quickly realize that you’re among friends so you wear a smile to avoid the questions and been called weird. Then the feeling slowly fades, buried beneath forced laugher and successive spoons of ice cream, then you’re OK?

 Finally you’re home and you close your eyes to sleep, then it comes again. But now it comes so hard knocking you out, putting you in a trance. It got you reminiscing not about things you have but things you’ve lost; Your first breakup, how friends suddenly became people you used to know, how times with smile slowly became just memories, memories even you find hard to believe.

 And finally you get the courage to talk about it, but everybody just calls it depression. “You are simply depressed, its a phase it would pass”. Some even prescribe pills but you know there is more to it. You know the solution isn’t at the bottom of a liquor bottle either but you still dive into it. Desperately trying to drown out the voices. But the effect doesn’t last long, only creating a bigger hole and a chance for the devil to add an addiction.

 So you try getting a lover, somebody to share the burden with. But you truly know that you don’t need someone to break your heart but someone to give your heart a break. So you ignore love and simply tag it as ‘the chaos within civilized madness’. Then you ask yourself “what do I do next?” What do you do when smile leaves, when happiness fades. When death feels more comforting, when your heart aches for something it has never felt. What do you do when you can’t breathe?

Tom 

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 Tom said he is tired of life, that there is nothing left for him. Tom is sad. Tom took a gun, the beat played on, Tom is gone. Tom’s last words were, “Why does happiness fade and pain always wants to stay? What I would give to switch my humanity off”. It’s karma’s fault. Yes, It’s karma’s fault. She created the circle of pain, now Tom’s letters are all that would remain. 

Dear smile,

 Thanks for the gift. You brightened my day and chased the monsters away. I had a wonderful time today. 

                                                                        Tom

Dear smile,

 I told my friends about you and they were jealous. They said you never stay. I know that’s a lie because you said you trust me and I trust you too. Please never leave. 

                                                                        Tom

Dear smile,

 Didn’t see you again. Hope you are fine. Sadness said he saw you with another, I know that’s a lie. I know you are busy but please reply. I trust you.

                                                                        Tom

Dear smile,

 Am scared. Really scared. It’s been weeks. Depression has me. Even sleep can’t save me. Help me smile. Help

                                                                        Tom

Dear smile,

 Am drinking again. Yea, we had a promise, I made a promise. You broke my trust so I broke my trust. FYI this is the last you hear of me. 

            The Friend You Cared Little About  

                                                                        Tom

For the ink of a depressed writer to the mind of blissful reader, when you find smile, leave her wild. Tom tears left scars, scars no one could see. Scares from the cut of love.

Dear Tom

 When I look at you I find it hard to believe that the whole universe didn’t conspire to bring you to life. Now are you gone, life goes on.

                                                                     Smile

To My Unborn Child

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​ I thought of what would define my perfect day and I thought of you. No ice cream or strawberry coated cake could ever duplicate the feeling when I first hold you in my arms. You, with eyes filled with stars and heart filled with grace. You, my unborn child. How so much I love you, how so much I would adore you. 

 For I will welcome you with all I have. I would cry when I first see you cause I can never be ashamed of you. For that day I’ll be both your father and your friend, if you are a girl,  I’ll be your first earthly lover. I’ll tell you stories of how I met your mother or my first birthday or my first love letter. Most especially I’ll tell you about Christ.

 Your smiles would be my secrets, your tears would  be my tears and your laughter would be my song. For you I’ll work hard, for you I’ll fight, with you my sadness would take flight, with you i will fly. I’ll watch you grow and when life knocks you down I’ll remind you of the hero within. Every problem is a lesson but it doesn’t mean you have to learn alone. I’ll be there for you. I’ll lock up kings for you, and drown oceans if you ask me to. 

 When you are eighteen I’ll buy you a watch to remind you that life doesn’t last long and death isn’t permanent. That I won’t be there forever even if I want to. Life doesn’t give anything unless we accept it. I’ll remind you that heroes don’t hide, they work hard. That if you can’t beat them you get a bigger stick. And when you birth your first child, I pray I’ll be there to see the heavens that filled my eyes in yours. There are certain things that I ignore, there are certain things that I adore, but one thing is sure, even when the devil trys to play tricks on us I’ll forever adore you. You, my unborn child.

                                                        Stanley Pj                                                             20/o1/2017

A letter to Mum

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 Mummy, I feel like that again. I feel like nothing I’ll ever do would be enough. Forgive me mum. I have broken principles and bent promises, but it’s all to make you proud. The world isn’t friendly as you predicted. It gives you so little and asks so much of you. Mummy am broken, I’ve lied too many times to myself and now am lost in a pond empty nothings. 

 Mummy I found a friend, a girl. And like you said, she reminds me of everything good. With her am free, with her am happy, but the curse can’t be forgotten. I know I can’t let people too close so I won’t hurt them, but that’s all I ever wanted. Someone I can let in, someone I can trust. It hurts but am your son, I’ll rather pray for death than let you down and cry for help. 

 

Mummy forgive me. I don’t think am strong enough. I miss you mummy, with tear in my eyes, I miss you mummy. I promise not to let you down, I promise to make you smile, I promise to make you proud. I’ll honor myself I’ll honor God I’ll honor others. I’ll smile. 

 

                                                             Stanley PJ                                                               14/5/2016

Happy New Year Guys

Life Issues

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FRIENDSHIP

What makes a friend worth keeping? Is it the lengthy conversations or romantic messages, or a mutual understanding or just that inner conviction.

 In life we meet so many people, so many friends which in a way shape your future, more or less guide you to your future but not all these so called friends would share this future with you so, who has to stay and who should leave?

 Friendship expires, that’s certain but some shouldn’t. Some friendship shouldn’t have existed in the first place, so it’s kinda tricky choosing friends.

 To me there are four types of friends, the true, the positive, the negative and neutral friends. 

 The one only true friend is Jesus.

 The positive friends, also could be called helpers/real friends. They add to your life positively. They help in trouble, they stand by you, advice you with no strings attached. They come in limited editions and commonly never stay forever, but there are exceptions.

 The negative friends, the wasters, the exploiters. Like their names impose, since it’s figuratively impossible to subtract from a person’s life they add negatively. This kinda relationship rarely start negatively, they may be good people actually but one man’s food is another man’s poison. They may advice, counsel you but there is always a clause. You may even trust them and the gesture returned but it always ends one way. BAD

 Neutral friends don’t exist, because you can’t possibly be a friend and be inactive. These one are just called acquaintance. 

 These whole stuff might be complicated and some might decide to avoid friends in general but it’s an impossible mission. I have thought of a life without friends and it wasn’t empty, there were still chocolates and ice-cream, cars and trees, pets and even funny looking bees, everyone could live in a world without friends and it won’t be empty just simply meaningless.

 So in conclusion just tell the true friend to show you your real friends.

Comments, questions and contributions are welcomed.

Just One Sweet Sin 

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 Stuck in front of a screen while I was fourteen, a seed was planted, a sweet sin. Overly excited by what I had seen, my mind replaying every scene, i was hungry for more. Thought I was smart, viewing what was rated eighteen while fourteen, I was the definition of a cool kid. My visions derailed, my focus changed from been filled with the spirit to been filled with the pleasure I received. My phone my god, the bathroom my sanctuary, money for subscription my sacrifice and momentary pleasure my reward. 

 Now twenty and I regret every moment of it. A seed planted years ago had become a mighty oak tree leaving me with nothing but self pity. No longer able to control my own thoughts, like been a handicap passage trapped in a burning train but still comfortable with the ride. 

 I knew my actions were wrong, but never wanted to admit it. My pride wouldn’t let me. “Their are two wolves, one good the other not. The one that grows is the one you feed” but this wolf I had in my heart was big enough to feed itself. What was just a tree now became a forest. An addiction grew, and it was killing every sane part of me. 

 Now forty and what I thought was pleasure brought me nothing but pain and shame. The addiction gone but my virtues were never returned. Now a broken man with nothing to account for. A shadow trapped by his actions. A sweet sin took it all. 

 The only way to overcome an addiction is with another addiction, what better addiction is there than Jesus. 

 

The Repair Guy

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I know you and your heart, how it beats, how it sounds, how it cracked, how you love the hands that smashed it to the ground. How I always have to be the repair guy. I remember every song, every poem, every letter, every reject. But yours stands out, somehow…

 “When you need to fly

And all you have is the strength to run

I’ll come carry you above the stars 

And be grateful I did, because I’ll also see you smile 


What I feel is close to madness 

No regrets, am proud of this madness

And if your heart is broken I’ll give you mine

But truthfully it was always yours in the first place 


Like a fish out of water, I know I was meant to live outside the sea’s shores 

Like a bird with the heart of a king, I know you are meant to rule the sky 

A couple out of this would be the weirdest 

But I think that’s what destiny has planned it out to be “

 

You and I, what we had was perfect like that. I met you. We exchanged Instagram details. We texted. We talked a lot. We went on a date. I remember we were supposed to go bowling, we ended up having Chinese food and sitting in your car talking for hours. We talked more, more and more. It got scary, dramatic, steamy and sexy. We talked about sex, we talked about it so much and it seemed like it would never happen. Eventually it did. I decided to drive two hours to your school. We did it and then we had this crazy fight. We said the dandiest and cruelest things to each other. We thought it was over. And then the anger stirred emotions, raw emotions, I wanted you, you wanted me. We made plans, plotted some fantasies together, brought some to pass and let reality swallow up the rest. We had more fun, this time better sex. We did it more and then we both were convinced we may get used to it. I wrote you a beautiful poem. We almost had it all. Then he came, and I had to wait to be the repair man again.

Silly Sick Heart

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Thought I was immune, that my heart suddenly grew antibodies and this virus couldn’t stay. This virus that makes honest men do dishonest stuff just to impress. This virus that we never want to stay but when acquired, we never want to leave.
I’m bewildered just by the thought of it, how four simple letters could mean so much. It’s like standing on thin ice but been comfortable with it. Suddenly my life is on a loop, everything center around the one who put the virus there in the first place. How I got sick? I still can’t tell, but it started as just been friends. Does she even know she carries this disease, does she even know she is slowly killing me?  Am afraid of death but seriously enjoying dying , filled with so much joy but still feel like crying. I still hate my heart for giving in but, adore it for letting her in. Am too young to be a victim but that what makes life worth living. Will she feel the same way? Will the carrier get the disease? Will my silly heart remain sick and someday freeze? I may never understand but that makes it worth it.

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Momma Says..

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Momma says she loves me
Rubbing my head as she cuddled me to sleep
Momma says am special
Each time am trapped in sadness so deep

Momma says I should grow up
That my imaginary friends are as empty as a blank sheet
Momma says am too weak
That life is cruel and even guns are hidden under the beds of the sick.

Momma says I have hard choices ahead
That I shouldn’t follow the train I should cross dangerous lines
Momma says I shouldn’t fall in love
That I should bury my heart and use my head

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OBLIVION

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wpid-img_20140811_090435.jpgMy greatest fear is oblivion. The thought of never being remembered, just a nobody . But I try to correct that even though I know that one day the sun would fall and everyone would die. I know it’s an impossible mission so I try to leave deep marks in everyone I come across, but like a grenade you blow up in my face, starched my defenses and scared my heart. I know pain demands to be felt and love grows in the midst of wealth, and I may never really comprehend what they both truly mean, but my request as awkward as it may sound is that when those days come, when you sit under a sad sunset and wonder, even if my feelings aren’t shared, just remember me. And for once am not blaming fate for not bringing us together, maybe  it’s just the fault in our stars.

Poetic Justice

Sunday March 27, 2016.

5:24pm